Penis.
So after “pizza†we do one more thing with St. Cameraman which is film an interview with Doc Pop for the Nerdcore For Life doc. Being as how Router and I are attention whores, we decide it would be great if we did retarded shit in the background. I think it turned out pretty silly and kinda hilarious. We parted ways with St. Cameraman and were on our way to Portland.
The drive from Portland to Seattle is pretty easy, but we were running short on time and we all needed to shower and change. My aunt is cool and allowed us to crash at her place so we thought we’d be good to go. Sadly we reached Portland during rush hour and we realized we were going to be late for another show. I think ideas of changing the name to the Never on Time Tour were kicked around briefly. We finally got to my aunts and we all got clean. There was a hilarious incident involving Router’s skit zipper being fucked up and the two of us couldn’t get that shit to zip more than half way. She just decided, “Fuck it. Easy access.†We got our shit together and were on our way to Adventureland!
…Or so we thought. While there are parts of Portland I’m getting to know really well, there are still a shit-ton of spots I get lost in. And after what Router described as a “random ass turn†we were going to be extra late. It’s a shame really. In my defense, the bridges in Portland should all have the same name on the signs regardless of which direction you’re going. All I’m saying. So we finally find Hawthorne and in turn Adventureland, the home of The Mediocre Show’s Taylor. I’ve never done a house party before and I wasn’t sure what to expect. Billings, his friends, Kenny, and Javi were there for the show which rocked hard tasty abs washer board style. Also cool people I knew via MySpace were there too which was super awesome. Turns out two of the other acts we’re going to go, so it was just us and Hott Pink. We did a sound check, made it sexy, and people started piling into the living room. It was dope as hell. There were some technical issues in the beginning, but by the end of the night everything was sexy and the people we loud as fuck!
After the show I went outside to cool off. This is a common theme as while I’m onstage and dancing and rapping and shit, I sweat like a mofo, and that shit ain’t cute. This would explain the lack of groupies. So I’m outside talking with some of my new friends when suddenly I find myself in a hole. Taylor’s house has a basement and this basement has windows so what I feel into was one of those ditches next to the house. The hole was covered by a piece of cardboard, which made it seem more like a trap than a safety device. In Taylor’s defense though there was a reflector in the hole, but it was one of those situations where you’re too deep in the forest to see the trees. People gather around to make sure I’m alright and ask about my knee, but as the hole in only about 2 or 3 feet deep I’m surprisingly fine. The only scratch I have is on my giant gut, but my tree trunk legs are a-ok. Then the crowd parts and Boots appears, pointing and laughing and screaming, “Beefy fell in a hole!†I stay in the hole for a while, trying to make the situation at least a little humorous then climb out and make more jokes. Seconds later we hear commotion and who else but MC Router has now fallen in the same hole. Obviously karma is a bitch and is on my side.
The best part was she was so drunk that she had forgotten that I had even fallen previously. The innocent look on her face as she said, “Hey…there’s a hole here†is enough to want to name your children after the girl. Oh how I love you MC Router. Taylor came by to mock us for being relatively sober and falling into holes like jackasses, but then we took pictures with him.
As you can see, I’m a giant sweaty man.
Oh yeah, TG was also there and he gave us cigars from Sister J, or so I’m told. Normally I travel with a cutter and a torch, but as this was a nerdcore tour I didn’t think I would need such things. Who knew? So we bit off the ends and threw down. Then a group of us, including our buddy Ian from MySpace who was kind enough to attend, decided to head towards the strip of businesses and get those cheese curds Doc Pop was going on and on about. We get there after a lot of Beefy-walking…and it’s closed. Every damn thing on Hawthorne is closed. And the only places open won’t allow us to be joined by our underage friends. So where do nerdcore superstars Doc Pop and Beefy go to eat with their giant entourage? Subway of course. We throw down on sandwiches then head back to the party. I forgot to mention that Hott Pink is fuckin’ dope, but the house was all kinds of full up so I could get down and/or funky. We get back and they finish their set and we learn that Boots has picked up a bogey, a rather drunk bogey at that.
Dude wouldn’t leave her alone. And being as how we didn’t wanna rough him up, the ladies of Adventureland stepped up. A drunk dude will still listen to a pretty lady. A drunk dude will only fight another dude telling him to leave a chick alone. That’s just man-science. We say our goodbyes and Taylor hands us a wad of desperately needed tour cash. Sweet sweet cash money. We’re finally able to wrangle Router into Cynthia but not before she tries to pick some fights then we’re back on our way to my Tia Erica’s casa near Beaverton.
Ok, I have to go get ready for my show tonight at 321 Art Space in Kennewick, WA. More on this (and the show) when I get home. There is so much personal blogging I wanna do that I might have to break up these updates a little bit with my bullshit “this is what I did today. This is how it made me feel. Some dude did this…†Catch ya later.
-this beefcake named Beefy
