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sunday was worse than saturday night because i called up my x from before the debacle and talked to her and told her the truth, then proceeded to cry my eyes out, and she cried too and i think that relationship now has proper closure. the things that would make me the most sad is when id think about the return i was getting from the universe, what was i putting into it and what was i getting back. to sum it all up im tired of being shit on and rejected. i know im awesome why cant others see that?

i know sometimes you guys feel invisible when i write these blogs. like ur saying, “we’re a gabillion people and you own us and u rule, how can you think people dont see ur awesomeness?” that thought has actually made the tears go reverse on more than one occasion. each little letter comment and sentiment really kept me alive. it wasnt that i lost this girl. i realized i could give a shit about losing someone who could do something so unthinkable to me. it was about being tricked. about being lied to.

in effect, everything became a lie. i’ll feel fine and then realize that that was a lie too and then feel sick all over. it’s like finding easter eggs of pain hidden all over the place. oh yeah that happened too… wtf, i keep thinking. like she said she hadnt had sex in two years. well that obviously wasnt true. so how much sex did she have, how many other guys was she doing this to, was i the first one? that’s hard to believe. see ladies, once you lie like that or two time, ur instantly a ho for life. regardless of what you really do. both her x and myself are most likely shuddering at the thought of how many were there really? being tricked is the worst. pranks are ok if they last a day but a month of it is waterboarding.

there are a bunch of things i learned, so i feel better off in a way.

1. i didnt know her and i fell for her. said i loved her. without really knowing the whole story. i think i need to hide my heart away and not fall in love for a year if possible. just fuck. no relationships. no falling. not unless i know the person up and down. i really feel like i was molested while i slept and yesterday when i socialized for the first time i didnt believe anything anyone said. my sense of trust has been fucked with. so i learned that i need to know the girl. go even slower. physically, for me, it’s impossible. im not rivers cuomo, i will not take a vow of chastity. but i need to stop. sings: IM THROUGH WITH LOVE

2. just because im depressed and i get fucked over doesnt make this city bad. this city is great and i wont let her ruin it.

3. she risked her relationship of four years to spend time with me. she built an elaborate web of lies just to hang out with me. at the end of the day, that does make me feel like i must be something extraordinary. like do people wanna just get into my apartment and look at my walls and books. like they’d lie to get in there? so weird. i invited a bunch of fans in after a show one time and it was totally normal. this thing with the girl felt like someone snuck in and now when i think back to her constantly looking at everything and not at mei think. she just wanted to geek out. my pessimistic side wants to think it had nothing to do with me but there was all that sex and kissing. what was all that? if she had feelings for me why couldnt she see that this would kill me in the end? i guess she’s just young and dumb and to her my heart’s a plaything. why did she start the lie? just to be with me? im still like wtf?

4. i learned that my fans rule and their anger is mine and we all get mad together and it feels good. i read every single comment. what doesnt feel good is when we as a group write off another group like women, models or nerd girls or any group. this is a bad apple. doesnt mean the whole tree is fucked. although this does kinda confirm the heartless high fashion stereotype. doesnt mean there arent cool nice models and cool designers etc. i guess what im saying is not everyone’s an asshole. just this one is.

5. a friend said i need to break on ladies. another said i need to build a life where my happiness isnt tethered to whomever im dating. she also said i need to get right with myself. so i was thinking about that. how would i do that? so i started removing all the fans from facebook so chris ward could have something too. im also thinking about therapy this summer. might help get the kinks out. identify the patterns. isolate the weakspots. rpg. ive been wanting to go for a long time, ive gone twice. once in college, once after. it never helped and always felt uncomfortable. i dont want to take drugs. but i dont want to kill myself either. maybe i need help.

6. sometimes you need to cry it out and when ur sad it’s not a bad time to just deal with it all. so like the x has a new guy and they’re happy and i had to cry about that. and i needed to watch marley and me so i watched that and just welped like holly hunter in broadcast news. my face all contorted and squished. the last scene i lost it. and i dont know if i was sad about the dog or i was relating to owen wilson’s suicide attempt. sometimes life is an unwelcoming place. if it werent for you guys i dont know if i would have made it theses past four years.

7. i work really well when im bummed. i would take breaks from crying and try to write and i could escape and shake my butt at my desk and id dry up and feel alright. so once again my music has saved me like it does for u guys. i get letters every day about how the music helps you. it helps me too. i sadly find i work at peak performance when i am emotionally eviscerated.

8. ive been sleeping great and waking up early. i actually dont feel as bad as i thought. monday was ok going to record, walking through the city. i felt a little weathered like an old person, but i think what it is, is that now i know the truth and that’s always better than being the dark and hating yourself. like you guys said had it kept going, and she might’ve let it, i wouldve just been in the dark for that much more time so one month was in reality a blessing. and she wanted to remain uncommitted with secrets that were none of my business. that would have driven me insane. id like to think it would drive any man insane. so i foresee a more peaceful year ahead instead of the painful one that couldve been.

9. i imagine my fans to be like this one big collective, like a glowing sensei/samurai/viking that kinda looks like genghis kahn. i dont consider the real source when it comes to what you guys say , i pretend it comes out of this ancient teacher of mine. so even when i say fuck that guy, i go back and pretend it’s genghis kahn saying it. if you’re like i dont like that song or ur being an emo, i go back and pretend its my master. and i try to take the note.

10. i learned that i wanted the good life in new york. i want to be rich with a pretty lady eat expensive food and i guess i got to feel what that’s like, even though i already knew. what happens is every one stares at the girl and you become even more invisible than u were before. i wanted to eat at nice restaurants when i knowl waffle house and sonic tots will always be good enough. i dont need the fancy things, or gifts. you know what, it hurts me to say it, but i dont even need girls to wear nice underwear. the finer things in life are being treated with dignity, respect and consideration. nothing else matters.

11. im a slut for branding. that’s prolly what made this hard to refuse. i had blinders on, which is why i could never put two and two together. im a slut for a pretty face, but what i learned is that a pretty face is pretty plain if it doesnt treat you right. by the end of the whole thing, i think meisel was right. she did look old. but that’s the evil im seeing. i saw her for what she really was in the end. a spineless star fucker. i didnt know it before but i guess im a star. i thought she was cool. turns out IM COOL!

12. there are a lot of bright sides to this. and i feel like my anger and sadness is subsiding thanks to this new song i made and a gabillion awesome comments from you guys. i wont let the dark parts ruin me. im just amazed by them, it’s truly unprecedented cruelty. trauma used to be something that was far away and in my past. now it’s riding shotgun again. but like i said the work is better off for it, so this might all end ok.

13. oh and stop hitting on me. a lot of you saw this as an opportunity to ride up and say what’s up? i need a break from flirting or girls or anything so i dont mean to be rude, but yeah stop hitting on me. it feels like part of the problem.

14. i have awesome friends that all got on the phone with me and they were all like wtf? it’s like that one situation where everyone in the room starts throwing around the word cunt like a hackey sack. like it’s ok. even the girls are like what a cunt. my new years resolution was to not say that word, because it came out sometimes during shows. but this all kinda killed that. i still think that word is bad. but what’s worse is that are real live cunts that really do exist. i didnt know. i just. didnt. know.

15. im going to take a week off from fundraising to regroup and get all this star wars stuff and indiana jones stuff out the house. sorry for the delay. fett week maybe postponed until summer. i dont want you guys to see me sad or being anything less than chipper, visually i mean, cuz that shits depressing and nobody should see that. so imma take a week off write the fourth song of part two. gemberling and i did video fan mail. i think im gonna go work on that after this.

yes that’s what i learned.

i feel ok. but it’s more like i just had a violent flu and it just left my system so im like a little shell shocked and drained. i feel like ive just been to church lock-in and had a public breakup in front of everyone. i will survive and if anything it means better performances and better music. because ill be recovering, using the music to get back to normal.

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so like i had this long distance girlfriend that i fell in love with and you know, it didnt go so well sometimes when we were together we’d butt heads. so being apart made us sad but being together wasnt totally awesome. so i backed off and tried to find someone in new york. a girl bid on the guitar hero guitar in the cf auction i have to raise money to fight cystic fibrosis. so she lived in new york and had a pretty profile i asked to meet her in the city. we went and saw fanboys and then she had me go to one of her catwalk shows during fashion week, and then she took me to where they made sesame street and then she bought me a muppet, and i told her i had a crush on her. and she said she wanted to take it slow. so i did. and it wasnt long before we were doing it. and then we were doing it nonstop for like a month. i remember one night i crossed my eyes while she blew me for a half hour. she dressed up like a maid for me. she wore cool underwear. it ruled. i fell in love again.

then her boyfriend wrote me and said we’ve been going out for four years and do i know what’s going on? i showed her and she was like i havent talked to him for years, i ignore him online, sometimes we’ll talk on wow. then she had a nervous breakdown during a shoot and was flown down to florida. then she came back and said she didnt want to be in a relationship, and that my being excited to commit on my blog, made her cringe. i told her i just didnt want to sleep with a bunch of strangers on the road. i was excited to have one girl at home. i never cared what we called each other. it wasnt until the next morning did i realize that id been dumped. i called all my kates, i have like three of them. and they told me to chill and be positive wait it out, see what happens. so i wrote her a letter and i was like did u dump me, and she said she was afraid of commitment, so i said fine let’s promise to never commit and we can still date and hang out and do fun stuff like the statue of liberty and medieval times. and she was like i dont have a problem with that. so we got together. and ate some food and laughed and kissed, so it kinda felt normal but something was up. then i went over yesterday and kept her company while she procrastinated on moving. then she came over we made out some more then she slept over and we fell asleep holding each other.

then today happened.

we woke up, i was cold, she took all the covers. it was cute. we slept in. and fell asleep again holding each other. then she got up and went shopping with her friend. then the crazy stalker guy wrote again and said he and rachel patched things up and he wished me luck. then i called him and was like wait. so what’s going on?

it was all true.

she had had a boyfriend for four years and she was lying about him the whole time. she pretended he never existed the entire time she was with me. and when he did appear she said he was a stalker. the bf went on to expain that she told him that she humored me and pretended to like me so i would stay her friend. even though we fucked infinity times. then he revealed that they fucked last weekend. while she was in florida having her nervous breakdown. so she’s like in bed with him saying she’s manipulating me. sorry if this is hard to follow.

so i call her and say wtf? and she finally calls back after not picking up for a bit and admits to the whole thing. she was two timing us. and neither of us knew about it. and she couldnt get out of it because she liked us both and the lies kept on growing. she said she really did like me when i asked about the part where she misleads me to hang out with me. i was relieved to hear that, cuz i was trying to stay positive, but then she said she didnt want to kiss me or be romantic again because i would never be able to trust her. and what’s worse is she sounded like she wanted to see if she could salvage her relationship with the bf. so im just like the other guy kicked to the curb.

i got mad then and told her she was the meanest girl in the world and that i had never been treated so poorly by anyone. im still dumbfounded by the cruelty of it. and then i thought about it and i realized she ruined the muppets for me. and she bought me this huge millenium falcon that i was gonna save up and earn myself. and now i cant look at my muppet or my falcon. or fucking anything right now.

and whats worse some dude who bet 200 bucks worth of cash on the cf star wars fund writes and says i dont have the cash. sorry.

i feel like i try so hard to stay alive and make people happy. i try again and again to fall in love so i can be happy and continue to do my job, raise money. but this time i feel like i really got fucked with and burnt. i got played. love has left the building and now my sex drive is gone. she said her’s was gone, but then i found out she had been fucking him in florida. that might’ve hurt the worst.

i feel kinda throw uppy and gross. i was eating when this all happened. and then i stopped immediately and now i just feel like hungover/beat up. i feel like i have the flu and my sinuses are exhausted. the freezer is filled with white castles hamburgers for her and kinder, and bager bites. the crisper is filled with beer for her which im trying really hard not to drink. (succeeding) her stuff is still here. her hair is still in my bed, on me, in my underwear its everywhere. i feel conned and duped. covered in her slime.

i was quick to write the girl i was going out with before all of this to apologize for how i left things. the whole time i was with the model i kept thinking about her and how she was sweeter and how her love was real and i threw it away to feel what? i dunno. i made the wrong choice and suffered greatly for it. i thought maybe i can be happy in this city that i love. well the city doesnt love but alabama definitely did. and you fucked that up. she was cool and felt bad for me because she’s awesome.

so to recap i just dated a girl for a month and fell in love with her and she already had a boyfriend of four years. awesome. i am now alone and i have three weeks till tour and hopefully in that time i can get it together and then kick ass like im definitely capable of doing. if you see me this tour and i dont look totally awesome or stoked to be alive it’s because im allergic to love. and sometimes this sadness wont let me be.

ps. i am happy to have the blog back, to be able to say what im thinking and process things out loud. i missed you. sorry i ever blamed you guys for ruining things. you’re my saving grace.

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great start for 09 id say! we’ve been raising money for almost a year and so far, we’ve raised 30,000 dollars to help fight cf. the money goes directly to cff.org and then into research to find a cure. i know times are tough but im hoping you can at least spare five dollars if you have it and help me reach my goal. if not now, come see me in concert and put some money into the silver bucket. ill be giving out bracelets this year to any one that donates 20 bucks or higher. thanks again everyone. now click on that cute cute baby!!!