i know sometimes you guys feel invisible when i write these blogs. like ur saying, “we’re a gabillion people and you own us and u rule, how can you think people dont see ur awesomeness?” that thought has actually made the tears go reverse on more than one occasion. each little letter comment and sentiment really kept me alive. it wasnt that i lost this girl. i realized i could give a shit about losing someone who could do something so unthinkable to me. it was about being tricked. about being lied to.
in effect, everything became a lie. i’ll feel fine and then realize that that was a lie too and then feel sick all over. it’s like finding easter eggs of pain hidden all over the place. oh yeah that happened too… wtf, i keep thinking. like she said she hadnt had sex in two years. well that obviously wasnt true. so how much sex did she have, how many other guys was she doing this to, was i the first one? that’s hard to believe. see ladies, once you lie like that or two time, ur instantly a ho for life. regardless of what you really do. both her x and myself are most likely shuddering at the thought of how many were there really? being tricked is the worst. pranks are ok if they last a day but a month of it is waterboarding.
there are a bunch of things i learned, so i feel better off in a way.
1. i didnt know her and i fell for her. said i loved her. without really knowing the whole story. i think i need to hide my heart away and not fall in love for a year if possible. just fuck. no relationships. no falling. not unless i know the person up and down. i really feel like i was molested while i slept and yesterday when i socialized for the first time i didnt believe anything anyone said. my sense of trust has been fucked with. so i learned that i need to know the girl. go even slower. physically, for me, it’s impossible. im not rivers cuomo, i will not take a vow of chastity. but i need to stop. sings: IM THROUGH WITH LOVE
2. just because im depressed and i get fucked over doesnt make this city bad. this city is great and i wont let her ruin it.
3. she risked her relationship of four years to spend time with me. she built an elaborate web of lies just to hang out with me. at the end of the day, that does make me feel like i must be something extraordinary. like do people wanna just get into my apartment and look at my walls and books. like they’d lie to get in there? so weird. i invited a bunch of fans in after a show one time and it was totally normal. this thing with the girl felt like someone snuck in and now when i think back to her constantly looking at everything and not at mei think. she just wanted to geek out. my pessimistic side wants to think it had nothing to do with me but there was all that sex and kissing. what was all that? if she had feelings for me why couldnt she see that this would kill me in the end? i guess she’s just young and dumb and to her my heart’s a plaything. why did she start the lie? just to be with me? im still like wtf?
4. i learned that my fans rule and their anger is mine and we all get mad together and it feels good. i read every single comment. what doesnt feel good is when we as a group write off another group like women, models or nerd girls or any group. this is a bad apple. doesnt mean the whole tree is fucked. although this does kinda confirm the heartless high fashion stereotype. doesnt mean there arent cool nice models and cool designers etc. i guess what im saying is not everyone’s an asshole. just this one is.
5. a friend said i need to break on ladies. another said i need to build a life where my happiness isnt tethered to whomever im dating. she also said i need to get right with myself. so i was thinking about that. how would i do that? so i started removing all the fans from facebook so chris ward could have something too. im also thinking about therapy this summer. might help get the kinks out. identify the patterns. isolate the weakspots. rpg. ive been wanting to go for a long time, ive gone twice. once in college, once after. it never helped and always felt uncomfortable. i dont want to take drugs. but i dont want to kill myself either. maybe i need help.
6. sometimes you need to cry it out and when ur sad it’s not a bad time to just deal with it all. so like the x has a new guy and they’re happy and i had to cry about that. and i needed to watch marley and me so i watched that and just welped like holly hunter in broadcast news. my face all contorted and squished. the last scene i lost it. and i dont know if i was sad about the dog or i was relating to owen wilson’s suicide attempt. sometimes life is an unwelcoming place. if it werent for you guys i dont know if i would have made it theses past four years.
7. i work really well when im bummed. i would take breaks from crying and try to write and i could escape and shake my butt at my desk and id dry up and feel alright. so once again my music has saved me like it does for u guys. i get letters every day about how the music helps you. it helps me too. i sadly find i work at peak performance when i am emotionally eviscerated.
8. ive been sleeping great and waking up early. i actually dont feel as bad as i thought. monday was ok going to record, walking through the city. i felt a little weathered like an old person, but i think what it is, is that now i know the truth and that’s always better than being the dark and hating yourself. like you guys said had it kept going, and she might’ve let it, i wouldve just been in the dark for that much more time so one month was in reality a blessing. and she wanted to remain uncommitted with secrets that were none of my business. that would have driven me insane. id like to think it would drive any man insane. so i foresee a more peaceful year ahead instead of the painful one that couldve been.
9. i imagine my fans to be like this one big collective, like a glowing sensei/samurai/viking that kinda looks like genghis kahn. i dont consider the real source when it comes to what you guys say , i pretend it comes out of this ancient teacher of mine. so even when i say fuck that guy, i go back and pretend it’s genghis kahn saying it. if you’re like i dont like that song or ur being an emo, i go back and pretend its my master. and i try to take the note.
10. i learned that i wanted the good life in new york. i want to be rich with a pretty lady eat expensive food and i guess i got to feel what that’s like, even though i already knew. what happens is every one stares at the girl and you become even more invisible than u were before. i wanted to eat at nice restaurants when i knowl waffle house and sonic tots will always be good enough. i dont need the fancy things, or gifts. you know what, it hurts me to say it, but i dont even need girls to wear nice underwear. the finer things in life are being treated with dignity, respect and consideration. nothing else matters.
11. im a slut for branding. that’s prolly what made this hard to refuse. i had blinders on, which is why i could never put two and two together. im a slut for a pretty face, but what i learned is that a pretty face is pretty plain if it doesnt treat you right. by the end of the whole thing, i think meisel was right. she did look old. but that’s the evil im seeing. i saw her for what she really was in the end. a spineless star fucker. i didnt know it before but i guess im a star. i thought she was cool. turns out IM COOL!
12. there are a lot of bright sides to this. and i feel like my anger and sadness is subsiding thanks to this new song i made and a gabillion awesome comments from you guys. i wont let the dark parts ruin me. im just amazed by them, it’s truly unprecedented cruelty. trauma used to be something that was far away and in my past. now it’s riding shotgun again. but like i said the work is better off for it, so this might all end ok.
13. oh and stop hitting on me. a lot of you saw this as an opportunity to ride up and say what’s up? i need a break from flirting or girls or anything so i dont mean to be rude, but yeah stop hitting on me. it feels like part of the problem.
14. i have awesome friends that all got on the phone with me and they were all like wtf? it’s like that one situation where everyone in the room starts throwing around the word cunt like a hackey sack. like it’s ok. even the girls are like what a cunt. my new years resolution was to not say that word, because it came out sometimes during shows. but this all kinda killed that. i still think that word is bad. but what’s worse is that are real live cunts that really do exist. i didnt know. i just. didnt. know.
15. im going to take a week off from fundraising to regroup and get all this star wars stuff and indiana jones stuff out the house. sorry for the delay. fett week maybe postponed until summer. i dont want you guys to see me sad or being anything less than chipper, visually i mean, cuz that shits depressing and nobody should see that. so imma take a week off write the fourth song of part two. gemberling and i did video fan mail. i think im gonna go work on that after this.
yes that’s what i learned.
i feel ok. but it’s more like i just had a violent flu and it just left my system so im like a little shell shocked and drained. i feel like ive just been to church lock-in and had a public breakup in front of everyone. i will survive and if anything it means better performances and better music. because ill be recovering, using the music to get back to normal.
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