tears and nausea. i woke up for my flight and it was easy. i was
bummed because i woke to find my facebook fan page shut down. well i
couldnt publish updates. and this is why, the bf set up parental rules
in their apartment and basically he was trying to block her from
stickam so she couldnt see me and facebook so she couldnt hear me. i
assume that because we talked while i was blocked this caused red
flags, maybe it has nothing to do with him turning on the parental
blocks. the result is none of you get to know about comicon which
makes me not even want to walk the floor. but we can all wait. and
none of it’s really important. if u destroyed everything i had built
like it was some church, would u be at all surprised if i said at the
press conference we will build again. i just dont know why you would
punish fans for anything u thought i did?
jetblue rules, i watched anthony bourdain eat all the things i cant on
direct tv. i didnt even read my book. the hardest part of the six hour
flight was being disconnected from the world and her. she spent the
week trying the break up with him he spent the week trying to keep
her. this is done i guess by feeding her copious margaritas, sitting
in front of the door so she cant go outside and call me, turning on
parental blocks. i would think if you wanted a girl you wouldnt
infuriate her or make her feel like life is hell. he would watch her
while she watched me on stickam. all of it is creepsville. every time
he does anything, i cant help but conclude this guy was not good for
her. im not saying i am but how would he think any of it is good idea
is beyond me. i understand he’s freaking out and feels like i did this
and i ruined his life. but she came to me with her complaints ready.
she was already fed up. she had strayed, i didnt do that. what did i
do? i saw her a second time. if you met the coolest girl in the world
and she wanted to see u again could u say no? i couldnt and that is my
crime. i guess it also wrong of me to fall for her. to like her at
all. to feel love after two dates. he’s been writing me these long
letters about his love is real and mine is not. even though he said he
fell in love at first sight. i guess his first sight experience trumps
mine.
i landed in cali and my phone went nuts, there were like fifteen
emails. two from the boyfriend with the title how you like them
apples? it was like her family picked up and they’re taking her where
you can never get to her! um… maybe if the communication lines were
open her brother wouldnt have had to drive fifteen hours to take her
to florida because i had jsut bought her a plane ticket for her to go
see her mother in florida the night before. ive been telling her since
i saw her a second time to go talk to her family and friends. thinking
they might hear her and help.
well his letter was about all the pain i caused again. i keep on
thinking i caused this break up? no. no i didnt. you can move a girl
to live with you and you can try to make everything perfect but if you
cant make her feel what she doesnt feel. the vibe i get from the whole
scene is that no one thinks she knows what she’s doing. she just seems
crazy because she has feelings for me and im the bad rapper. he says
the family had this five hour meeting and ive made every one feel
horrible and im causing this. does he not take responsibility for
anything?i think they just want me to go away because im supposed to,
as a rockstar i am incapable of love. whats funny to me is that anyone
would think i was a rock star? he said you dont even understand love,
ur too superficial.
when people say means things about you that arent true it can still
hurt. even if it’s not based on anything remotely resembling fact.
still i got here to comicon and saw stan lee and seth green right away
hung out at the robot chicken panel and really, i shouldve been in
seventh heaven. nerd shangri-la. but im trying to not cry in front of
everyone at the dinner table as i say, im a good person! i dont think
the head of adult swim would leave his 9 year old son in my care all
day today if i was this monster and predator this dude makes me out to
be. im like this kid just has a huge grin on his face, he wont stop
giggling, i am not a bad man people think i am. and then i think i can
get cartoon network and the cystic fibrosis foundation and quarter
million people to rally together and declare that i am a good guy. my
x’s arent texting me right now wishing me well because im some monster
that ruins lives. i am good terms with my x’s doesnt that say
anything? doesnt everything i’ve ever done lead one to believe that i
care about others? life sucks when all you want to do is state your
case but uve already been found guilty and the courtroom is clear. i
guess that’s why i type so there can be a public record of my defense.
so i can talk to someone that will listen. you guys.
i want nothing more than to meet her folks and prove my worth. even if
she and i just end up friends it’s worth it. its never cool to have
your character dragged through the mud needlessly. im on the planet to
help people escape, help them feel better. and all the comments below
will attest to that. i might spend my whole life alone on this planet,
crying in stairwells like today, but that’s ok, if the only love i
ever really get is from the fans it will be a blessing and one i will
always cherish. i cant help but try to find someone for me. his last
line was that my facebook shut down because it was god’s way of saying
i dont deserve fans. i guess god has time to do the little things like
shut down websites. i would think he would just kill me instead of
being so subtle but that’s god. his ways are mysterious.
grrr. when her and i talk there are rays of light that make all of
this nonsense go away. i feel like the boyfriend is scaring the family
and stressing her out, and then passes all of it onto me like it’s my
fault. his world is crumbling around him and he cant help but lash
out. when the model tricked me last spring i was hurt bad too and i
felt sick like i do now and couldnt eat for a week. i know how he
feels even though he thinks i cant feel. i know that her family
assumes the worst about me because of what people think of rappers and
because of whatever he’s fed her. i can only hope she speaks her mind
and let’s them know that im good and not here to ruin anything,
especially her. when u really love someone you can let them go because
you TRULY want them to be happy. if they love you they will return.
when she writes me and tells me she loves me it gets me through but i
feel like convincing the world that we’re not jerks or nuts will be
near impossible. i will though. i will never give up unless she tells
me to. and she has been clear about me not giving up.
ill fly down to florida and meet her mom, ill meet her dad. maybe they
should talk to some of the parents that have met me before, or my own
parents. how do u think they would feel if they had to get on the line
and explain to someone that im not evil. or all the parents that
thank me in letters or the fans. i really need you guys to be vocal
about the positive things today. the letters you send me every day
matter more than ever. its time to shout it loud, mc chris is a good
person! and chris ward is even gooder!
maybe it’s no use. im only gonna go on what she says. her dad told her
last time she and i talked that i should meet the parents. and id love
to. really. id do anything to show them that i would care for her with
every cell in my body. and that doesnt mean sitting in front of the
door if she wants to leave.
PLEASE COMMENT WITH UR LOVE OF CHRIS WARD. I AM A GOOD PERSON AND I AM
CAPABLE OF REAL LOVE.
